I am sitting on an old wooden chair at my parents house having much needed cup of coffee #1. The first cup of coffee is always the best making the subsequent taste like poorly made sequels where the extra caffeine is nothing more than a overused anecdote or predictable pratfall, but the first cup...that is pure greatness sent to us from the South American gods. So I am drinking this great cup of coffee, just changed into my old jeans and t-shirt and I am reading the boringness that is a Tuesday front page of the San Jose Mercury News. Sometimes the police blotter is the most entertaining few sentences I scan and the horoscopes only remind me of when I was the editor of the high school paper and how, besides political commentary, the horoscopes were the most enjoyable things to write. I loved walking around campus the afternoon a paper came out overhearing girls gush about their compatibility or lucky numbers, their destinies I had created. If only life could remain so basic and in the palm of my hand.
So the point is I am sitting here drinking coffee and my left butt cheek is stinging like hell. Somehow I ignore this, get a few articles in and then I finally make my way over to the bathroom to investigate. Before I get down the hall, and since no one is around, I put my hand down the back of my pants and feel something is there. I grab something, pull my hand out and look...I see that between my fingers is a portion of a spider body and a few legs. I can only come to one conclusion and that is a spider crawled into my jeans during the night and when I put them on I disturbed the sleeping arachnid and it had nothing else to do but attack my ass with a vengeance of only a spider.
I pull my pants halfway down and discover a quarter sized lump on my lower left cheek, in my pants is a small circle of light brown blood. Until now, I tell no one, even though all day my butt is seriously stinging. I think back to an acquaintance who had a spider bite and it ended up being a 6 inch in diameter pussing crater of skin and scab. This, of course, scares me because, unlike the guy from my memory, it is on my ass and I'm self conscious as it is. Then I google spiders to get a photo for this blog post and the first thing I see is a giant infected spider bite on some guys' thumb, but let me remind you, this is not on my thumb, it is on my ass.
I am sitting on a wooden stool drinking a Blue Moon and waiting for bread and my ass is stinging. Moral of the story: if a spider is hanging out in your pants it will bite your ass.
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